Sheesh. Wrong choice of movie tonight. The movie I watched just now just made me lie here in bed, for two hours...... crying. It's like I can't stop myself at all....... The tears just won't stop streaming down my face, and I can't really breathe properly that it hurts my eyes, my chest and my nose! :( I'm crying still, while writing this. I just don't know what to do and how do I stop myself from bursting out into tears like this... T__T
I got my iPad here with me on the bed, so I figured I should write about how I feel and express it here, right this second... Hopefully by expressing it, would slowly make me stop crying..somehow.
Well, after watching the movie, I just felt so sad and happy at the same time. But mostly happy I guess. Extremely happy and grateful. It's hard to explain the feelings I feel right now. They're all mixed up.
I feel grateful. I feel sad. I feel safe. I feel blessed. I feel fortunate. I feel happy. And all sorts of feelings. The movie just brings up old memories and opens up old wounds...... Sigh. I hate bad memories :(
Safe Haven's storyline was kinda similar to mine that it triggers the old memories to flash like a movie trailer in my head. I forgot how it felt like, last time. But this movie just triggered me to remember the old, sucky, stupid memories I had. And I guess this is the reason why I can't stop myself from crying. The movie just reminds me of my old self; stupid, insecure, and always felt worthless when I was with him. I guess the reason why I'm in tears right now is because I realized how happy I am today...and how grateful I feel to be free from my old life. Mashaallah, it's really an amazing feeling when you have someone who really cared about you, and really loved you for who you are...and is sincere to you.
Just thinking about it made me feel very very grateful to Allah, to have him in my life, cuz I remember how it feels to be me last time... Always so insecure and afraid and weak, and felt worthless and alone. (when I shouldn't have at all!) And how lucky and grateful I am now to be free from all that! God.. I hate it so much, it hurts. It hurts so bad....
I thought I have forgotten it. But I guess your cruel act (and words) towards me (and the rest of your victims - so I heard) last time, made it kinda hard to vanish everything from my mind instantly.. although I really AM happy right now, despite my bad experience.
However... when the woman in the movie described her feelings just exactly like how I felt last time...I just...felt so sad and it just triggers the bad memories to play in my mind. Because I remember how I stuck up with you because I was so damn afraid. Sigh.... I get goosebumps when Katie, one of the character in the movie said, "You just become dark.. like the life just sucked out of you. You just felt worthless. Like there's no point. And I just stuck up for him all the time. Cause it wasn't his fault. It was mine. And you're completely alone..." - Damn those words just really triggers my button! So yeah, I blame the movie actually, for reminding me of you, hence this emotional post tonight! Ishhh..You stupid movies!!! >__< (Ok sorry Nicholas Sparks... Your movie is damn awesome. This is just me and my history, nothing to do with your storyline. I'm just being a little melodramatic over here. Hehe) Or maybe.. this is just tears of happiness? Extremely happy tears I guess? Hmm.. I'm not sure myself. I'm so confused with my feelings right now. I don't know exactly what I feel right now that made me burst into tears like this! The last time I cried so bad like this and cry myself to bed was...when every time I had a fight with that man.. And tonight, it's happening again but I'm not even sure whether this is a happy tears or a sad one? All I know is that I feel sad but happy, and happy but sad?? If that even make sense..
Oh man, I need to stop crying now...because I can't seem to breathe properly and typing with a blurred teary vision is quite challenging too! I have to squint my eyes harder and wipe it every few seconds cuz I can't see what I just typed. -__-
Hmm...how do I stop myself from crying laaa? Dah tulis quite banyak ni pun tak stop lagi niiii.. Ish. It's like the eyes automatically produce so much water and I can't seem to turn off the main pipe! haha.. If my man is here right now with me, I bet, he will scold me and be very angry at me like he always do when I'm crying - He hates seeing me cry. He once said to me, "....you've cried a lot already. Enough is enough. I'm here to make you smile and protect you. Not making you cry! I realllllly hate seeing you like this.. I wanna make you smile, not cry! Don't be so weak. Everything is going to be okay" - Awww.. teringat ayat my sister last time, "No guy is worth your tears. And the one who is, won't make you cry" - that's...sounds like my man. He hates seeing me cry. Heee. (Unlike that douche bag. It's a pleasure for him to see me in tears. It's like...his hobby or something. Pffft. Whatever. Enough about him already.. And I pun dah berhenti nangis ni.. hehe)
Anyways..... Off topic, Josh Duhamel is damn hot!!! Hehe. He's so manly and awesome in the movie. I love the way he loves Katie in that story - Reminds me of my own man, in a way that he is always helpful. Always thoughtful, respectful. Always caring. Always trying to make me smile even when I'm in a bad mood. And most importantly, loves me sincerely and always always always be there for me when I needed him the most.... :'( God bless him for that. Mashaallah.. He is such a lovely man that when I think about all the things I've been through. The pain, the sakit hati, the paranoia, the emotional, mental abuse, the psycho thingy, the financial abuse, the tears, the fears, etc.... I just can't thank Allah enough, for all the blessings He gave me to meet such a wonderful man in my life that's perfect for me.. Indeed, Allah IS the Greatest... :') Sedih, sayu, sebak bila fikirkan Dia ketemukan saya dengan si diaa... Orang yang paling saya tidak sangka yang saya akan cintai. :)
Every time when I think about how we met, how we fell in love and how everything just fall into place when I met him, I could cry..thinking about God's mercy, power and greatness! It's just amazing! :) God....I love him so much. And I love YOU, especially for giving me that test, and this happiness. Oh Allah, I'm forever grateful to You. Whatever I say could never be enough. You gave me strength to overcome my uncertainties, and stand firm against all the odds. You are the one who did revive my soul. You shone your light into my heart.. And now I know how it’s like to have a precious love in my life, and how it feels to finally be at peace inside - Okayyy...I took that from Maher Zain, but really.. that's how I feel about all this. hehe. Anyway, I'm not trying to tell people here that I have a perfect man with me and have a perfect life or whatever. Cuz no one is..and I am no exception. He is not even close to being perfect. Only Allah is Perfect. But..I'm happy that we're perfect for each other...and I'm really grateful for that. And I feel so blessed to have this kind of love and relationship.. finally!
Alhamdullilah wa shukrulillah. :)
My only hope is that he would stay this way, or maybe shower me with lots of love even more...and for me to be the very best of myself to make him happy too, while pleasing Allah. Only God knows how much I love him. How much I appreciate him and how much I need him in my life.. Seriously, I never thought I would meet anyone like him. You know...the kind of man that makes all the love songs on the radio sounds true & real, and every word of the lyrics just made sense to you...at last! haha. The kind of love that makes you understand deeply for every love movies that you watched... - Okay maybe I'm the abnormal one here (like he said to me when I told him this. LOL). Maybe you guys pernah je rasa macam tu with anyone/someone. But honestly.. I haven't. Or at least I thought I did. Or.. I tried to make myself felt that way?? Oh well it's hard to explain. Never mind. But my point is....it's really different when you found your perfect match. Or "soul mate" as they say. hehe. I'm not trying to sound so corny or be so cheesy here and make you guys wanna puke in front of your screen. But I'm just stating the truth of how I really feel about everything about him.. He's a lovely man who loves me sincerely.. An imperfect person who I wanna love perfectly, inshaallah. Oh, I cannot wait to build my future with him! Someone I can call......my husband :)
You know...it's funny how things worked out when you thought your world was over. Have faith in God. He knows what's best for you, for He is the Best of All Planners. Doakan yang terbaik untuk kami ya. Saya sayang dia.... :')
P/s: I'm not sure if you're gonna read this post, honey. But if you do, don't be so kembang semangkuk bcuz I just praised you a lot here... You're not that awesome! ;p I still hate it when you're always so kalut sometimes. haha. (Or maybe all the time? LOL ;p) So don't be so comfortable with me. I still want you to be very sweet to me, every day and every night. Otherwise you're screwed! haha. Just kidding.. I love you baby. I really do. You're my safe haven.
"You're my safest place to hide" - this song is for you. :')
The Grateful Lover.