I never thought I would be writing this post.. But here I am, writing it right now, today.
I know that this blog of mine is not like some other blogs where they blog about their thoughts or talk about some personal stuff and etc. Yes, I rarely do that here..
My blog is supposed to be happy and fun. A place for me to post things that interests me. And not something that's too personal. But today, it's different. I just have to write this. As much as I hate to do it, I really have to be a grown up and face the world and end the assumptions people have made about me. I was told that the sooner I say it, the sooner I'll recover and be better, inshaallah.
Please know that this entry has been the hardest post that I have ever done in my entire life. This dugaan that I have to face is the biggest test that has ever occurred in my life. Only Allah knows just how deeply hurt I am. I have been keeping this for quite some time and I don't quite know just howwww to write about thisssss, or even to tell people without feeling so low. Especially those who know me.... Even right now, I'm still not sure how to write this. It took me a few hours to think what exactly should I write in here..
Sedih, malu, geram, marah, bersyukur, benci, semua ada. Macam-macam perasaan wujud dihati.. :(
I have tried writing it a few times before. But it all ended up with a blank page as I just can't proceed with my writings when tears began to stream down my face.. And I ended up pressing the "Delete/Backspace" button each time, and started to channel my sadness and anger in a different, and happy post, like my beauty and travel entries instead.. heh. But I know that eventually, at some point..I will have to tell people and to stop abstaining myself from facing the truth and the situation. =/
So here I am today, holding back my tears...writing The Truth. The truth that so many people wanna know about. (I know some of you have even Googling about me and about it! Pffft.) The truth that I hate to tell. The truth that I can't believe that it's happening to me. The truth that hurts me so damn much. ='(
Oh well...some of you may have probably know about this by now.. Or maybe already sensed something about me and my engagement right? - Because I have heard stories that people have been talking about..and I even got a few comments/messages/SMSes asking me about my personal love life from people that I know, anddd strangers! Thank you for your concern, honey.
Well yes, my engagement with that man (I can't even say his name now) has ended. It happened for a few months back. But only now I have the courage to tell everyone here since the engagement is officially terminated. - I figured, it would be easier for me to write a post in my blog rather than telling each and every one who knows me either personally or through my blog.. Because I've had enough of people congratulating me and asking me questions about my engagement, about my wedding, about the dresses, about the colors & themes, about the date and stuff like that... Sigh. I know they meant well but it's too much pressure for this girl. T___T
I NEED to stop being stressed out by spilling the truth here, so that I can start open a new chapter of my life. Because I deserve to be happy.
Truth be told, my November wedding is off, and my engagement that was held last January has come to an end. We were engaged for a very very verrry short period of time! It was only for a few weeks. Yes, it was that pathetic. And that was the reason why I was extremely down. I don't know how can anyone could face what I have faced before. And I sure hope no girl would ever have to face this kind of thing ever ever everrrr! Only God knows just howwww deeply hurt I felt when it happened. I felt like running away. I felt like screaming. I felt like my world is over..and that it's hard for me to get up again. I felt stupid. I felt extremely down and depressed. I felt really really EXTREMELY guilty towards my parents, knowing that they have spent a lot of time, money and effort to make it happen for me. (Sorry mama, and abah! tskk) And I especially felt extremely guilty towards myself too, for letting this thing to happen to me! :(
Part of me hates that it happened to me..but another part of me is somehow glad that it happened.. Because it made me realized something..and it has made me more mature I guess.. This is like satu tamparan yang sangat hebat for me. And I've learned my lesson!
Well I am not going to get into details of what happened between us, because I need to jaga hati a lot of people, even though I feel that I deserve to have a say in this.. But I'm not really here to blame anyone or talk bad things about anyone..or berniat nak memalukan siapa-siapa kat sini. Especially his family, when they did nothing to me. So yes..I'm not here to salahkan siapa-siapa. I'm just here to end the assumptions people have been making. Sigh. God, I hate pressure.. It's not healthy.
Of course, I was really really brokenhearted. I have never ever imagined I would be facing this kind of phase. (Of course, no one would!) And until today, I keep on asking myself, whyyyyy did it happen to me?? Whyyyyy did I proceed when I know it's going to be bad?? Whyyyy did I ever get engaged?? Whyyy did I let that thing happened?? Whyyyy didn't I speak up and be the brave girl?? Whyyyy did I let him abuse me mentally and emotionally?! I should have known my values and my rights. Whyyyyy I was so weak and so afraid to stand up for myself??!! Whyyyyyy did I even meet him in the first place?! Yes, I have come to a point where I regretted the day I met and know him. It made me think just how weird it is that the person who used to be your number one priority..becomes the last person you want to meet...if you ever have to! Sometimes love can be blind and make you do stupid things (like continuing a relationship when you already know it's not going anywhere or it's bound to cause major catastrophes. Haihh). I am not really the kind of person who likes to hate other people. But with him, I just can't stop myself from feeling like this! Cuz things are still fresh in my mind. And it still does affect me up until today..although it has been about half a year now. - Sedikit sebanyak, benda ni does affect me today....and that's why I hate it so much! I want to be ME again! =/
I was depressed. I was shocked. I was traumatized. And I was miserable when it happened. I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I didn't go out. I just couldn't do anything. For a month! Sebulan duduk terperap dalam bilik..thinking howwww can I face the world! Thinking how stupid and blind I was! But as much as I hate that this thing has happened to me, I know that I can't fight fate and destiny. Ini semua takdir dan ketentuan Allah. And I have to accept it. I have to. Ia sudah tertulis.. I always tell myself, "ada hikmah atas apa yang berlaku" or "Allah has so much better plans for me", to keep myself sane again. But, deep down inside, who am I kidding right? I'm just a normal human being with feelings. I'd be lying to myself if I say I'm okay and this thing does not affect me at all. Because it does. Or at least...it did.
So I'm free now.. Alhamdullilah.. I thank God that I see it sooner rather than later. Like my parents said, nauzubillah...kalau kahwin dengan dia.. Daripada anak dia hidup bahagia, tiba-tiba nanti jadi sengsara just because tersalah pilih pasangan hidup.. So, saya berasa bersyukurrrr sangat, Allah telah tunjukkan dan selamatkan saya dari lelaki sebegitu. Seram sejuk bila difikirkan kalau saya ditakdirkan berkahwin dengan dia. Thank you soooo much God, for stopping it and made me realize! I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU! Thank you for saving me! *sujud syukur*
Now..I just wanna be happy again, like I have always been! It's time now for me to let go of the past and time to embrace all that awaits me! I can't wait! I KNOW, ALLAH HAS SO MUCH BETTER PLANS FOR ME! I KNOW HE WILL DEFINITELY REPLACE THIS FEELINGS WITH SOMETHING SO MUCH GREATER THAN THIS! INSHA ALLAH. :)
Lastly, I hope and pray no girl (or guy) would ever have to face this emotional and mental abuse.. And don't ever have to face a "putus tunang"/ "putus cinta" situation. The pressure is so great I tell you.. Sigh. But thank God it's over now! Syukur!!
And here's a little advice from me, if you’re already in a bad/unhealthy relationship (even if you’re engaged) and you don’t think it’s going to get any better, act fast! DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SPEAK UP! You should know your awesome values! Because like my sister said, no guy is worth your tears..and the one who is, won't make you cry - And she was SO right! :) So if you know that your relationship is not healthy and you're not happy, jangan biarkan ia berlarutan sampai ke jinjang pelamin! Think about your future. Jangan takut apa orang lain cakap atau fikir sebab orang memang tidak akan berhenti bercakap. What people think about you is none of your business. What matters the most is you and your life! Because when you’re already married (to the wrong person), it would be too late! Marriage does not solve the problem; it will only create more of what is already there! So my advice is, jangan bercinta 100% mengikut hati dan perasaan. Bercintalah guna otak! haha.. Dan 40% lagi, baru guna hati. LOL - Boleh ke nak guna mathematics in relationship & love? Hahah.. Maybe? ;p
Oh well...you know what I mean, right! hehee ;)
Anyway..I think I have spilled enough. Time for me to stop now... Phewwwww!! Finally..I did it! I've let it out! - It took me months to write it in here! And only now I have the guts to publish it?! haha. And boyyy....That was easy?! heh ;p
Now let's start a new chapter! Boleh bukak buku baru dah! Yeay! hehe. It's time now for me to let go of my past, and embrace all that awaits me! ^___^
P/S: What is meant to be, will find it's way. Insha Allah :)