One Step At A Time..

Yeay! So my Unifi is here today! I'm so excited! We are still in the midst of settling down. Still got a few things to take care of and to kemas and whatnot.... First we got ourselves the bedroom equipments/appliances and accessories. Then we installed the TV and DVD...and now we got our Unifi in the house! Just what I neeeeeed after so long! TV with various channels, telephone and INTERNET! - Finally, I got my life back! Life just doesn't feel right when there's no internet in the house, right? heh ^___^

We got only one problem though.. the Wi-Fi coverage couldn't cover the whole house. So I bought the wifi range extender just now at Low Yat Plaza..

But after one hour trying to figure out how the heck does this thing work, I gave up! Technology really hates me I guess. Or maybe it's the other way round! Oh man, I really should have paid more attention in my I.T class last time! haha. But whatever...I'm going to ask someone who's pro at this later. Hopefully he won't charge me for that lah! I just paid RM 1000 just to install the wifi today. Apparently they charged me for the cable inside the house. tskk

Next on the list, would be registering and installing the Astro. Oh boy..growing up sucks. Goodbye shoes! You're no longer in my monthly list ;p



XOXO,
Shazzy.

Safe Haven

Sheesh. Wrong choice of movie tonight. The movie I watched just now just made me lie here in bed, for two hours...... crying. It's like I can't stop myself at all....... The tears just won't stop streaming down my face, and I can't really breathe properly that it hurts my eyes, my chest and my nose! :( I'm crying still, while writing this. I just don't know what to do and how do I stop myself from bursting out into tears like this... T__T

I got my iPad here with me on the bed, so I figured I should write about how I feel and express it here, right this second... Hopefully by expressing it, would slowly make me stop crying..somehow.

Well, after watching the movie, I just felt so sad and happy at the same time. But mostly happy I guess. Extremely happy and grateful. It's hard to explain the feelings I feel right now. They're all mixed up.

I feel grateful. I feel sad. I feel safe. I feel blessed. I feel fortunate. I feel happy. And all sorts of feelings. The movie just brings up old memories and opens up old wounds...... Sigh. I hate bad memories :(

Safe Haven's storyline was kinda similar to mine that it triggers the old memories to flash like a movie trailer in my head. I forgot how it felt like, last time. But this movie just triggered me to remember the old, sucky, stupid memories I had. And I guess this is the reason why I can't stop myself from crying. The movie just reminds me of my old self; stupid, insecure, and always felt worthless when I was with him. I guess the reason why I'm in tears right now is because I realized how happy I am today...and how grateful I feel to be free from my old life. Mashaallah, it's really an amazing feeling when you have someone who really cared about you, and really loved you for who you are...and is sincere to you.

Just thinking about it made me feel very very grateful to Allah, to have him in my life, cuz I remember how it feels to be me last time... Always so insecure and afraid and weak, and felt worthless and alone. (when I shouldn't have at all!) And how lucky and grateful I am now to be free from all that! God.. I hate it so much, it hurts. It hurts so bad....
I thought I have forgotten it. But I guess your cruel act (and words) towards me (and the rest of your victims - so I heard) last time, made it kinda hard to vanish everything from my mind instantly.. although I really AM happy right now, despite my bad experience.
However... when the woman in the movie described her feelings just exactly like how I felt last time...I just...felt so sad and it just triggers the bad memories to play in my mind. Because I remember how I stuck up with you because I was so damn afraid.  Sigh.... I get goosebumps when Katie, one of the character in the movie said, "You just become dark.. like the life just sucked out of you. You just felt worthless. Like there's no point. And I just stuck up for him all the time. Cause it wasn't his fault. It was mine. And you're completely alone..."  - Damn those words just really triggers my button! So yeah, I blame the movie actually, for reminding me of you, hence this emotional post tonight! Ishhh..You stupid movies!!! >__<  (Ok sorry Nicholas Sparks... Your movie is damn awesome. This is just me and my history, nothing to do with your storyline. I'm just being a little melodramatic over here. Hehe) Or maybe.. this is just tears of happiness? Extremely happy tears I guess? Hmm.. I'm not sure myself. I'm so confused with my feelings right now. I don't know exactly what I feel right now that made me burst into tears like this! The last time I cried so bad like this and cry myself to bed was...when every time I had a fight with that man.. And tonight, it's happening again but I'm not even sure whether this is a happy tears or a sad one? All I know is that I feel sad but happy, and happy but sad?? If that even make sense..

Oh man, I need to stop crying now...because I can't seem to breathe properly and typing with a blurred teary vision is quite challenging too! I have to squint my eyes harder and wipe it every few seconds cuz I can't see what I just typed. -__-

Hmm...how do I stop myself from crying laaa? Dah tulis quite banyak ni pun tak stop lagi niiii.. Ish. It's like the eyes automatically produce so much water and I can't seem to turn off the main pipe! haha.. If my man is here right now with me, I bet, he will scold me and be very angry at me like he always do when I'm crying - He hates seeing me cry. He once said to me, "....you've cried a lot already. Enough is enough. I'm here to make you smile and protect you. Not making you cry! I realllllly hate seeing you like this.. I wanna make you smile, not cry! Don't be so weak. Everything is going to be okay" - Awww.. teringat ayat my sister last time, "No guy is worth your tears. And the one who is, won't make you cry" - that's...sounds like my man. He hates seeing me cry. Heee. (Unlike that douche bag. It's a pleasure for him to see me in tears. It's like...his hobby or something. Pffft. Whatever. Enough about him already.. And I pun dah berhenti nangis ni.. hehe)

Anyways..... Off topic, Josh Duhamel is damn hot!!! Hehe. He's so manly and awesome in the movie. I love the way he loves Katie in that story - Reminds me of my own man, in a way that he is always helpful. Always thoughtful, respectful. Always caring. Always trying to make me smile even when I'm in a bad mood. And most importantly, loves me sincerely and always always always be there for me when I needed him the most.... :'( God bless him for that. Mashaallah.. He is such a lovely man that when I think about all the things I've been through. The pain, the sakit hati, the paranoia, the emotional, mental abuse, the psycho thingy, the financial abuse, the tears, the fears, etc.... I just can't thank Allah enough, for all the blessings He gave me to meet such a wonderful man in my life that's perfect for me.. Indeed, Allah IS the Greatest... :') Sedih, sayu, sebak bila fikirkan Dia ketemukan saya dengan si diaa... Orang yang paling saya tidak sangka yang saya akan cintai. :)

Every time when I think about how we met, how we fell in love and how everything just fall into place when I met him, I could cry..thinking about God's mercy, power and greatness! It's just amazing! :) God....I love him so much. And I love YOU, especially for giving me that test, and this happiness. Oh Allah, I'm forever grateful to You. Whatever I say could never be enough. You gave me strength to overcome my uncertainties, and stand firm against all the odds. You are the one who did revive my soul. You shone your light into my heart.. And now I know how it’s like to have a precious love in my life, and how it feels to finally be at peace inside - Okayyy...I took that from Maher Zain, but really.. that's how I feel about all this. hehe. Anyway, I'm not trying to tell people here that I have a perfect man with me and have a perfect life or whatever. Cuz no one is..and I am no exception. He is not even close to being perfect. Only Allah is Perfect. But..I'm happy that we're perfect for each other...and I'm really grateful for that. And I feel so blessed to have this kind of love and relationship.. finally!

Alhamdullilah wa shukrulillah. :)

My only hope is that he would stay this way, or maybe shower me with lots of love even more...and for me to be the very best of myself to make him happy too, while pleasing Allah. Only God knows how much I love him. How much I appreciate him and how much I need him in my life.. Seriously, I never thought I would meet anyone like him. You know...the kind of man that makes all the love songs on the radio sounds true & real, and every word of the lyrics just made sense to you...at last! haha. The kind of love that makes you understand deeply for every love movies that you watched... - Okay maybe I'm the abnormal one here (like he said to me when I told him this. LOL). Maybe you guys pernah je rasa macam tu with anyone/someone. But honestly.. I haven't. Or at least I thought I did. Or.. I tried to make myself felt that way?? Oh well it's hard to explain. Never mind. But my point is....it's really different when you found your perfect match. Or "soul mate" as they say. hehe. I'm not trying to sound so corny or be so cheesy here and make you guys wanna puke in front of your screen. But I'm just stating the truth of how I really feel about everything about him.. He's a lovely man who loves me sincerely.. An imperfect person who I wanna love perfectly, inshaallah. Oh, I cannot wait to build my future with him! Someone I can call......my husband :)


You know...it's funny how things worked out when you thought your world was over. Have faith in God. He knows what's best for you, for He is the Best of All Planners.  Doakan yang terbaik untuk kami ya. Saya sayang dia.... :')



P/s: I'm not sure if you're gonna read this post, honey. But if you do, don't be so kembang semangkuk bcuz I just praised you a lot here... You're not that awesome! ;p I still hate it when you're always so kalut sometimes. haha. (Or maybe all the time? LOL ;p) So don't be so comfortable with me. I still want you to be very sweet to me, every day and every night. Otherwise you're screwed! haha. Just kidding.. I love you baby. I really do. You're my safe haven. 

"You're my safest place to hide" - this song is for you. :')



XOXO,
The Grateful Lover.

Four Of a Kind!

Went through all my photo albums that I have in my room. Babies, kindergartens, high schools, etc etc! Then I realized, how much I've grown! - Well not just age, but weight and size as well. haha ;p 

Hmm....time really flies, huh? I still remember those growing up days when we were fighting with each other for a lot of reasons! Toys, music, food, fashion...haha..just about whatever! Pffft....Kids! Semua pun ada aje issue nya. hahaha... Oh well, I guess that's the joy of having siblings! We fight, argue..and then we make up. ^___^

Anywayssss, now that everyone has grown up...... I feel so damn old...and kinda feel sad about it too T___T 

I think I might have this mid-twenties kind of syndrome lah. (is there such a thing? haha) I don't know what's up with me tonight, but I kinda feel sad that everyone has grown up... and soon I have to leave my family and start a new family, and a new life, and live on my own and etc.... And then I have my own kids and then one day they'll leave me as well to start their own family. And then I get sad like I am right nowww! haha..Okayyyy...I might go too far now..  But really, don't you think that life is too short??! 

We born, we grow up, we live, we die. tskkk.

Life is short, so let's just enjoy every moment of it, and live your life to the fullest! - Break the rules, forgive quickly, love truely, kiss slowly, laugh uncontrollably, do fun things and never regret anything that made you smile! :)

Us...in 1994

From left, my eldest sister, Iza, me, my little brother, and my second sister, Hanis.

And now... in 2013! 

Semua dah besaaaaaar! 

.....with the new generation, some more! 

The Hamid's cucu! hehe

Man, it's time for me to add some kids to that generation la! I feel so left out! hahaha. ;p

XOXO,
Shazzy.

A friend in need is a friend indeed!

Hi and salam girls! I never really write that much these days, huh? Well, I've been seriously busy with things! Really really sorry....but I will let you know all about it soon! hehe. But anyways...today, I have a little bit of free time, so I'm gonna spare some of my time now to write a bit - Okayyy.. maybe not thattt bit. It's kinda lengthy actually. haha. I'm just bored and don't feel like editing pictures. So words, will do! ;)

Anyway, today's topic is about friends. Let's talk about friendship! This is something that I have been meaning to write in here.. It's something that I learned these past couple of years. And today after I saw something, it just made me wanted to write about it even more :)

Well I came across a proverb that says a friend in need is a friend indeed! ...which kinda reminds me a lot of things in my life. So today, with my free time noww.. I decided to make a post about what I have learned about friendship! Anyway, have you ever heard of this quote before? A friend in need is a friend indeed! Well, this phrase can have two meanings actually;

1. It means that one way to know that someone is really a true friend is when they come to you in their time of need. It means that they trust you with their secrets, know you will not judge them for their problems or their inablitity to solve them on their own. That friend knows they can call on you in an emergency. So in helping them, your "deeds" are proof of your friendship! - For example, if I'm home alone and accidentally cut my hand while doing something in the kitchen, I would need a good friend I could call to drive me to the doctor or to the emergency room. And if I choose you, then I am a friend in need who really needs you to be my friend right now! ^__^


2. Another meaning behind that phrase could also mean someone who only communicates with you when they need something from you. - They call you a friend, but outside of your repeatedly rescuing them, there is nothing more to the relationship! You don't talk or see each other unless it's to solve his or her problem or they needed something from you that you have. Oh, beware my darlings, of these kind of people! They're not a true friend. These are some terrible friends!  O__o

Anyway, in today's world, I really think that it's really hard to find what I call...a TRUE FRIEND. It's kinda like the same situation in relationship when you really wanted to find TRUE LOVE. So I think this is kinda like the same thing with finding a True Friend in friendship!  You may see two or three or four or even ten people being so close with one another in good times, but that maybe just on the surface... You should not judge a person in those good times honey, but in difficult times as well! (this applies to relationship too!) There are different kinds of friends. True and faithful friends, casual friends and false/fake or fair-weather friends, etc! A true and faithful friend has certain qualities, which you should also have! It is correctly said that to have a friend you should be one. Hmm..I don't know about you, but for me...I have many different category and types of what I call "friends":

a) The Social friends - don't really know each other that much. Only hang out a couple of times and talk about crap and stuff.  

b) The Next-Door friends. Neighbours, Co-workers, Schoolmates, etc 

c) The "Biasa-biasa" kind of friend a.k.a Casual Friend - You guys always see each other but don't really share personal or even not-so-personal things. You just know a little bit, here and there about one another 

d) The Hi-Bye friend. Don't know each other at all but recognizes one another from parties, events or whatever, and say "Hi!" (and only "Hi!") to each other when you guys met. haha

e) The Social-Media/Internet friends. Never met. But know each other in the virtual world. Like you and me here. We are friends in this virtual world! So, "Hi friend!" :) 

f) The Only-Gonna-Be-Your-Friend-When-You-Are-Cool-and-Happy-But-Leave-When-You're-Sad-and-Boring! kind of friends.  -__-'

g) The Ass Kisser Friend. Those who only be your very best friend when they want something from you. So they'll show you some reaaallly good qualities in front of you. But betray you later. Pfffffft 

h) The Old Friend 

i) The New Friend 

j) The Imaginary Friend. Erk?    

k) The Fake Friend. Ouch. Beware!!! 

l) The At-The-Moment Friend. These are the type that would only talk or see each other when they're at the same place as you. i.e. living in the same apartment, going to school together, same class/workplace, etc. However, they would ignore / stop communicating with you once you're not in their life anymore. - Unfortunately this happens to most of us. (It's really sad to know how people just leave and lost contact with you just like that, huh? - Especially if you know the person well for years.)

m) The Close Friend. Share everyyyy thing together.

n) The Best Friend or these days they called it as BFF. Know almost everything about you - Waitt..I think this is kinda similar to the above? haha. Whatever ;p

o) The In-Good-Times-and-Bad-Times friend. - Now...this is a real friend! 

p) The Forever-and-Everrrrr...Till-Death-Do-Us-Part Friends. Woww...really? These people are SO lucky to have a true friend like this! hehe

q) The Bad Times Friends. Okayy..this is not really a friend. This is your enemy. Go away. Haha  

r) The No-Status kind of friend. LOL ;p

s) ETC! 

So there are really a lot of category for "friends" here. But what I like to highlight here today in this post is about REAL friends. From what I learned from my pasts in relationship and friendship, it's best to judge someone you're so close with, when you are in trouble, when you are in need, when you are alone, when you are sick, when you are broke...and et cetera. For me, I personally view friendship a little bit different than others, I guess? Some people might not really care about a friendship. To them, friends are not important. They just view friends...as "justtttt friends", I guess? No "attachment" kind of feelings to the person or whatever. But not me. I cherish my friendship/relationship with whoever that I am so close with. I care about the people I'm around with. But sadly, in this mad, mad world...there are many, many types of people that we need to be aware of. Some are sincere. Some just happens to be...erm.. not so sincere, I guess. We may be having many friends at the time of prosperity. But most of them desert at the time of adversity. We can examine the sincerity of a friend during our time of hardship and trouble. Only a sincere and faithful friend remains with us at the time of our trouble! All others would leave us. It is very painful when our friends turn traitors, huh? tskk.

There are many fair-weathered friends in this world. They terminate their friendly tie as soon as their interests are fulfilled. It is very difficult to find a true friend nowadays, don't you think? I once heard from my lecturer that it is better to establish a true friendship with either a cat or a dog...or a ferret, I would say! haha. Because both these pets or "friends" would remain faithful to their human friends! Tapi dalam dunia kita ni, terlalu banyak jenis manusia...sampai kadang-kadang kita tersalah tafsir atau tak boleh beza, mana satu yang hati bersih, mana satu yang niat baik, mana satu yang ikhlas, etc...bila terlalu banyak sangat benda yang konon nampak macam "real", macam indah, etc. Tapi sebenarnya tidak. This is why you need to start guarding yourself up and not trusting people 100%

The truth is, the world out there is cruel.

Very often some hypocrites pretend to be friends. They are more dangerous than avowed enemies. By telling soft words, by praising you to skies, by being so nice to you, and linger around you as long as you enjoy happiness, wealth, health and power. But when fortune and happiness turns against you, they would be nowhere to be seen! By doing that, they actually bring enormous ruin to us when they turn traitors! And that is what hurt the most! A true friend never exploits! He/she rather surrenders. So this is where you need to know who to be nice with, who to be friends and associate with! Sebab tu dulu cikgu-cikgu or parents selalu remind us untuk "pilih kawan". Jadi, buatlah pilihan yang terbaik dalam memilih seorang kawan yang boleh di panggil "sahabat"..... Or just don't trust people 100% and always be on guard! When you're in school, the social group that you're with will probably change. People change all the time. So be sure not to trust anyone 100%!

There can be some real jerks in schools, college and your workplace. And people may be targeting you if they see you're so naive...or nice or can be taken advantage of. So again, I'm reminding you not to put complete trust in all of your friends, even if you know them for 10 years already. I've seen so many betrayal of friends (I'm talking about 20-30 years of friendship), because of business and money or third party in relationship, etc! So don't put 100% trust in people and put anyone you love as your number 1, but instead, you should put Allah and only Him first, in whatever you do! :)

Friends are the family that we can choose. Good friends exercise good influence. They always help their friends, in distress and inspire them to walk on the right path. But evil friends ruin us completely...and disappear when we needed them! These days, the meaning of friendship has changed..and sadly, today, friendship between two persons is often short-lived. It's either you're Best Friends since school or college until now, OR.... you used to be Best Friends when you were studying/working together years and years ago. And then totally lost contact when they find some new friends at the new place or something like that.. or find something else that interests them which doesn't include you anymore. This is typically the common situation for most of us. Only the lucky ones would still have a good relationship/friendship with their Close Friend/Best Friend until 30-40 years or more perhaps. Others, would only come to you again, when they needed something from you.... Yeah, that sucks right? Well, that's life. You could be a very best friend with someone when you work together for 20-30 years, but when you're retired, the person would not even text you, or call you. Apatah lagi jumpa. Especially if you're no longer his/her boss or someone more superior than him/her. So..yeah. This is where you can see and judge whether the person has been sincere to you or not, for all those years. Because like it or not, people tend to forget things that are not in front of them anymore. This is life. When that sucky situation happen, you just have to move on and live your life without them! Life is just full of uncertainties. So you need to guard yourself up, and don't let people walk all over you, honey!

So anyway, this "a friend in need is a friend indeed" proverb has always stands true. You always have friends who are with you during good times, but the ones who stick with you, when you face tough times,  when you truly need them, are the ones that are indeed your friends!
(However, my friend is quite confused with this phrase. She thought like.. why should she consider someone a friend, just because they are needy? hehe) Well, let me give you another example here:

A friend in need: 

When you are in need. When you need help, when you are unable to give any repayment. When you are broke and everyone hates you, etc.

Is a friend indeed. 

If your friend stays by you, when you are in need, that is a true friend! So they are a "friend indeed!". - BUT If your friends only stay by you when you are rich, popular, beautiful, berpengaruh & berpangkat besar, and for whatever reasons it may be, etc etc...then these are not your real friends! So be sure to know who your true, and real friends are! The world out there is cruel, my dad always reminds me this. So you should be more careful on this, ladies! :)

So in our day to day work, we come across so many persons and all of them are not our "real friends". Each person has an individual character and it is hard to find people who share your thoughts, interests, jokes, etc, so when you find one, please stay true with one another! (same goes to relationship too!)

Many things are needed to make friendship a real one, including trustworthiness, support, honesty, and loyalty, etc. Friendship (and relationship) is supposed to make both people happy, and enjoying their relationship. Good friends know all about one another. A person who is honest and sincere can prove to be a good friend!

I think friendship grows on a mutual trust and help. Friendship demands time and effort. So sometimes you have to step over your pride and put yourself on the place of your friend, and see what she feels even if you think you are correct. But in exchange, a friend can provide a lot of support and comfort in good times and bad.. So if you find someone so dearly, hold on to that person and don't let go! However still, it might occur that at one point of life you are best friends, and then something happened and you can never be friends anymore. Well like I said, things happen, this is how life is..and you need to move on and find another friend and happiness..and remember to guard yourself up next time, so you won't hurt anymore! Your life is blessed, if you have a faithful friend. So be sure to be one first!

Mahatma Gandhi once said that adversity is the crucible test for friendship. You know your real friend, only when he stands by you, in times of adversity. It is said that prosperity makes friends. Adversity tries them. So...are you a real friend to your friend? I hope you are! ^__^


Well I'm glad I found one........for now? heheh. Joking! ;p - Inshaallah, I hope you'll be my best friend until Jannah! Oh, I love you, my friend! And thank you Allah for this wonderful gift! ;)



XOXO,
Shazzy.

Stranger, Blog ReaDer, and a Friend! :)

I never knew I could be friends with one of my blog readers! - Don't get me wrong..it is not because I'm a stuck up lady who doesn't like to make new friends, but instead, I'm a very, verry shy person in real life actually! haha.. You may see me being all cheery, out going and happy in most of my pictures here, but that doesn't mean I'm not shy when I'm in person, right?! hehee ;p

Yes, I could be friendly. And most people who already know me personally would say that I'm a friendly person or maybe...you can say, kepochi?  hahahah ;p But to be honest with you, I don't think I am. I don't think that I'm thattt friendly, you know! Because I'm always, always have this kind of uneasy/weird/shy feeling whenever I'm meeting someone new/I don't know of! haha. Although...it doesn't seem that way.. And I may look fine or rather confident as you call it.. But only God knows what and how I feel at that particular moment in my life! haha. 

Cuz let me tell you my biggest secret heree.... I am such a shy, nervous wreck! Heeee..

And most people that know me just by my name (never say hi to me, that is), would say this very line behind my back.... "Shazwani sombong" (Because of my naturally serious or 'sombong' face if I don't smile, I think? -__- Aiyohh darlinggg, just say hi to me laaa..  I would surely smile back at you and ask you to go for a drink with me! hahah.. - You expect me to smile all the time keee, ha? Ever heard of the line "Tak kenal, maka tak cinta?" LOL. So don't simply assume la, kakakkk. Ok? hehe ;p )

Anyways... I guess, reason why I always get that remark, is because I'm not really a social kind of person. Yes, I do have most of the popular social media network here in this internet world, but that doesn't mean that I'm very err......sociable? (I think, people who get pretty social and chatty on the net mostly are the ones that are not really social in the real world, ey?! haha. - Because they've been spending most of their time in front of their laptops/mobile phones, and not with real people!  - And this silly theory of mine is based from my own silly judgement of my friends, who are social on the net and unsocial when offline! And vice versa! LOL. - I am so not making anyyyy sense here, am I? hahah. Whateverr! ;p)

Anyways...my point is, I'm not really a social kind of person. Yes I'm friendly, but I'm not social. There's a big difference I would say! I can be very friendly and entertaining when I'm in a small circle/group of friends... But when you throw me at some place where there's more than 8 people (even if I know them well), you would see me being soooooo quiet there! hahahah. I don' know why that happens every time! I just can't seem to be so chatty like I normally would! haha. That's why I'm more comfortable having small circle of friends! As they say, it's not about the quantity, but it's about the quality! LOL ;p 

Anyway..so..back to my topic today.. (man, that was such a long explanation on the intro part! hahah). I am friendly but unsociable/ anti-social. So for me to make friends 'dengan secara tiba-tiba', with a stranger, would be really really weird! This Shazwani I know, would only say hi to people she's surrounded with at a particular period of time of her life! haha.. i.e: classmates at school/college, roommates at hostel, and colleagues at my workplace. And that's about it! She won't really socialize with other people/strangers that easily. Reason being is because.... SHE'S SO SHY!!! Shy than a cat would! heh. Orang ajak pergi lepak, cancel. Orang ajak pergi bercuti, saya terkejut lalu reject. Orang ajak pergi tengok movie, malas. Orang ajak pergi karaoke, tak nak, tak biasa, tak pernah, segan, tak suka, not me, tak selesa, and the list goes on! haha.. Segala activity bersosial saya akan reject! LOL. This happens whenever a stranger or someone new to me, asks me out! (tapi...my close friends ajak pergi karaoke pon memang saya tak nak pun! Nanti mama saya marah! heheh. Lagipun memang tak biasa and tak suka pergi tempat-tempat macam tu =/ )

Anyways, so...when this cute Ashikin girl started to say hi to me and mengorat me over Twitter a couple of years ago, we started became closer and talk about some BSB stuff, girl stuff, etc..and became friends until now!  haha. Nice move babe! Pandai you keluar kan I from my comfort zone! LOL ;p

When she first asked me out last time, I was so nervous..that I thought I wanted to cancel the date! hahaha. (Meeting a stranger, remember?) But then I told myself to get out from my comfort zone i.e. not talking to strangers and start making new friends! ;p

(and surprisingly, I was the one who talk a lotttttttttttt the whole time! LOL. Nervous and pemalu la sangat tu kannn Cik Wani? -____-')

So..yeah, last year we went out! (She blogged about it, you can view it here!) She asked me to accompany her to buy/choose the shoes for her graduation day... At first, like I said, I was so shy to meet her..but then she mentioned the word shoes, and so I agreed to meet her! LOL. Nice tactic, miss! hahaha ;p

Shuzzies! ^___^

This is @ashjoe ;)

And recently, we had iftar together at Sushi Zanmai The Gardens. We both loveee Sushi Zanmai! I love the Salmon Mentai especially!

....and I gave her a little souvenir from my Paris/Milan trip in June and she gave me an awesome Lip Mask! Love it!!

She's a graduate from a medical uni, taking a Science in Pharmaceutical Chemistry degree. - My dream course! That was what I wanted to learn last time..but dad disagreed and asked me to take accountancy instead...sobs. But never mind now...I loveeee what I do now! hihih. - It's true, things happened for a reason! ;)

Anyways..now she's doing the PB business. Good for her! (Go contact her if you wanna buy it/join them!)

^___^

She was also one of the girls who planned my birthday surprise party held by my blog readers last time! 

Oh, I'm so grateful to have such wonderful, awesome readers! I loveeee these girls very much. They truly have touched my heart!
Harus. Plan. Another. Gathering. Dengan. Mereka. ^___^



P/s: I READ ALL OF YOUR COMMENTS, MESSAGES, EMAILS, TWEETS, SMSES REGARDING THE PREVIOUS 'TRUTH HURTS' POST! SORRY BUT I COULDN'T REPLY TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU WHO WROTE IT! BUT THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR SUCH KIND, WONDERFUL WORDS! I LOVE YOU GUYS SOOOOO MUCH!!!! I HAVE THE BEST BLOG READERS EVER!!! MMMMMUAACKSS!!!!



XOXO,
Shazzy.

Truth hurts.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..


Salam everyone..
I never thought I would be writing this post.. But here I am, writing it right now, today.

I know that this blog of mine is not like some other blogs where they blog about their thoughts or talk about some personal stuff and etc. Yes, I rarely do that here..

My blog is supposed to be happy and fun. A place for me to post things that interests me. And not something that's too personal. But today, it's different. I just have to write this. As much as I hate to do it, I really have to be a grown up and face the world and end the assumptions people have made about me. I was told that the sooner I say it, the sooner I'll recover and be better, inshaallah.

________________________________

Please know that this entry has been the hardest post that I have ever done in my entire life. This dugaan that I have to face is the biggest test that has ever occurred in my life. Only Allah knows just how deeply hurt I am. I have been keeping this for quite some time and I don't quite know just howwww to write about thisssss, or even to tell people without feeling so low. Especially those who know me.... Even right now, I'm still not sure how to write this. It took me a few hours to think what exactly should I write in here..
Sedih, malu, geram, marah, bersyukur, benci, semua ada. Macam-macam perasaan wujud dihati.. :(

I have tried writing it a few times before. But it all ended up with a blank page as I just can't proceed with my writings when tears began to stream down my face.. And I ended up pressing the "Delete/Backspace" button each time, and started to channel my sadness and anger in a different, and happy post, like my beauty and travel entries instead.. heh.  But I know that eventually, at some point..I will have to tell people and to stop abstaining myself from facing the truth and the situation. =/

So here I am today, holding back my tears...writing The Truth. The truth that so many people wanna know about. (I know some of you have even Googling about me and about it! Pffft.) The truth that I hate to tell. The truth that I can't believe that it's happening to me. The truth that hurts me so damn much. ='(

Oh well...some of you may have probably know about this by now.. Or maybe already sensed something about me and my engagement right? - Because I have heard stories that people have been talking about..and I even got a few comments/messages/SMSes asking me about my personal love life from people that I know, anddd strangers! Thank you for your concern, honey.


Well yes, my engagement with that man (I can't even say his name now) has ended. It happened for a few months back. But only now I have the courage to tell everyone here since the engagement is officially terminated. - I figured, it would be easier for me to write a post in my blog rather than telling each and every one who knows me  either personally or through my blog.. Because I've had enough of people congratulating me and asking me questions about my engagement, about my wedding, about the dresses, about the colors & themes, about the date and stuff like that... Sigh. I know they meant well but it's too much pressure for this girl. T___T

I NEED to stop being stressed out by spilling the truth here, so that I can start open a new chapter of my life. Because I deserve to be happy.


Truth be told, my November wedding is off, and my engagement that was held last January has come to an end. We were engaged for a very very verrry short period of time! It was only for a few weeks. Yes, it was that pathetic. And that was the reason why I was extremely down. I don't know how can anyone could face what I have faced before. And I sure hope no girl would ever have to face this kind of thing ever ever everrrr! Only God knows just howwww deeply hurt I felt when it happened. I felt like running away. I felt like screaming. I felt like my world is over..and that it's hard for me to get up again. I felt stupid. I felt extremely down and depressed. I felt really really EXTREMELY guilty towards my parents, knowing that they have spent a lot of time, money and effort to make it happen for me. (Sorry mama, and abah! tskk) And I especially felt extremely guilty towards myself too, for letting this thing to happen to me! :(

Part of me hates that it happened to me..but another part of me is somehow glad that it happened.. Because it made me realized something..and it has made me more mature I guess.. This is like satu tamparan yang sangat hebat for me. And I've learned my lesson!

Well I am not going to get into details of what happened between us, because I need to jaga hati a lot of people, even though I feel that I deserve to have a say in this.. But I'm not really here to blame anyone or talk bad things about anyone..or berniat nak memalukan siapa-siapa kat sini. Especially his family, when they did nothing to me. So yes..I'm not here to salahkan siapa-siapa. I'm just here to end the assumptions people have been making. Sigh. God, I hate pressure.. It's not healthy.

Of course, I was really really brokenhearted. I have never ever imagined I would be facing this kind of phase. (Of course, no one would!) And until today, I keep on asking myself, whyyyyy did it happen to me?? Whyyyyy did I proceed when I know it's going to be bad?? Whyyyy did I ever get engaged?? Whyyy did I let that thing happened?? Whyyyy didn't I speak up and be the brave girl?? Whyyyy did I let him abuse me mentally and emotionally?! I should have known my values and my rights. Whyyyyy I was so weak and so afraid to stand up for myself??!! Whyyyyyy did I even meet him in the first place?! Yes, I have come to a point where I regretted the day I met and know him. It made me think just how weird it is that the person who used to be your number one priority..becomes the last person you want to meet...if you ever have to!  Sometimes love can be blind and make you do stupid things (like continuing a relationship when you already know it's not going anywhere or it's bound to cause major catastrophes. Haihh). I am not really the kind of person who likes to hate other people. But with him, I just can't stop myself from feeling like this! Cuz things are still fresh in my mind. And it still does affect me up until today..although it has been about half a year now. - Sedikit sebanyak, benda ni does affect me today....and that's why I hate it so much! I want to be ME again! =/


I was depressed. I was shocked. I was traumatized. And I was miserable when it happened.  I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I didn't go out. I just couldn't do anything. For a month! Sebulan duduk terperap dalam bilik..thinking howwww can I face the world! Thinking how stupid and blind I was! But as much as I hate that this thing has happened to me, I know that I can't fight fate and destiny. Ini semua takdir dan ketentuan Allah. And I have to accept it. I have to. Ia sudah tertulis..  I always tell myself, "ada hikmah atas apa yang berlaku" or "Allah has so much better plans for me", to keep myself sane again. But, deep down inside, who am I kidding right? I'm just a normal human being with feelings. I'd be lying to myself if I say I'm okay and this thing does not affect me at all. Because it does. Or at least...it did.

______________________________________

Anyways... I'm all better now. Alhamdulillah, syukur! Thanks to all the support I get from my parents, my very best friend who has helped me A LOT throughout my hard times. (I love you so much for that! hihi), my Along, my brother, the articles I've been reading, my friends, my cousins, my maid, etc, who were there for me when times were so hard back then. Well honestly, I am not 100% healed yet, but I'm almost there, insha allah. Maybe another 10% more. haha.. - Every now and then, whenever something triggers the button, I wouldn't lie that I don't feel anything.. (Like Cheryl Crow said, The First Cut Is The Deepest! hehe) That is the reason why it's kinda hard for me to just let go of it already, although I know he is SO not worth it..but I just can't help myself. I'm only a human being... Cuz the sakit hati and pain is still there.. (Tell me how does a girl recover and being 100% normal and happy again, when she was being abused mentally, emotionally, financially and almost physically?? TELL ME. Sighhh..)  Hmm.. but for what it's worth, I know all this feeling is just temporary. I know I'll be 100% okay again, inshaallah.. Let's hope that this healing phase would be fast! And I'll meet my soul mate who would love me just how I wanted to be loved..and adore me just the way that I am... soon! Amin. Inshaallah! :)


So I'm free now.. Alhamdullilah.. I thank God that I see it sooner rather than later. Like my parents said, nauzubillah...kalau kahwin dengan dia.. Daripada anak dia hidup bahagia, tiba-tiba nanti jadi sengsara just because tersalah pilih pasangan hidup.. So, saya berasa bersyukurrrr sangat, Allah telah tunjukkan dan selamatkan saya dari lelaki sebegitu. Seram sejuk bila difikirkan kalau saya ditakdirkan berkahwin dengan dia. Thank you soooo much God, for stopping it and made me realize! I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU! Thank you for saving me! *sujud syukur*

Now..I just wanna be happy again, like I have always been! It's time now for me to let go of the past and time to embrace all that awaits me! I can't wait! I KNOW, ALLAH HAS SO MUCH BETTER PLANS FOR ME! I KNOW HE WILL DEFINITELY REPLACE THIS FEELINGS WITH SOMETHING SO MUCH GREATER THAN THIS! INSHA ALLAH. :)


Lastly, I hope and pray no girl (or guy) would ever have to face this emotional and mental abuse.. And don't ever have to face a "putus tunang"/ "putus cinta" situation. The pressure is so great I tell you.. Sigh. But thank God it's over now! Syukur!!


And here's a little advice from me, if you’re already in a bad/unhealthy relationship (even if you’re engaged) and you don’t think it’s going to get any better, act fast! DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SPEAK UP! You should know your awesome values! Because like my sister said, no guy is worth your tears..and the one who is, won't make you cry - And she was SO right! :) So if you know that your relationship is not healthy and you're not happy, jangan biarkan ia berlarutan sampai ke jinjang pelamin! Think about your future. Jangan takut apa orang lain cakap atau fikir sebab orang memang tidak akan berhenti bercakap. What people think about you is none of your business. What matters the most is you and your life! Because when you’re already married (to the wrong person), it would be too late! Marriage does not solve the problem; it will only create more of what is already there! So my advice is, jangan bercinta 100% mengikut hati dan perasaan. Bercintalah guna otak! haha.. Dan 40% lagi, baru guna hati. LOL - Boleh ke nak guna mathematics in relationship & love? Hahah.. Maybe? ;p
Oh well...you know what I mean, right! hehee ;)

Anyway..I think I have spilled enough. Time for me to stop now... Phewwwww!! Finally..I did it! I've let it out!  - It took me months to write it in here! And only now I have the guts to publish it?! haha. And boyyy....That was easy?! heh ;p
Now let's start a new chapter! Boleh bukak buku baru dah! Yeay! hehe. It's time now for me to let go of my past, and embrace all that awaits me! ^___^

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.....


P/S: What is meant to be, will find it's way. Insha Allah :) 



Wassalam.



Yours Faithfully,
Shazwani.

Let's Age Gracefully! :)

Just had a talk with mommy about a W and M topic.. But somehow, the topic drifted to a beauty topic as I can't help looking at my mom's great skin and asked her about beauty things...

She just gave me a few tips, and I hope to follow her footsteps.. Insha Allah..


Anyways, I'm nearly reaching the age of 25, and that's next year actually..where that's like the turning point/starting point of you really entering the adulthood... And by saying "adult", the body/skin will start to show visible signs of aging... starting that age! So yeah...I'm kinda freaking out a bit here.. Heee

Do I look like my age? Or I look older? I guess I think I know your answer..tskk =/

Anyway I once heard someone told me, the moment you reach 25 and over, the number is going to increase soooo fast, and before you know it, you're already in your 30s, 40s, 50s and so on and looking like a grandma already! Erk. Really? I thought every year has 365 days? How come after 25, the number will rise very quick larr?? heh =P

Although actually, I think age is just a number, as I still feel the same way like last time, and nothing had changed for me for the past years...
But my friends who are much older than me used to say this to me,

"Well..I stop counting the moment I reached 25", 

"I'm always 26, whenever people asked my age. Haha!" (and she's 31 now, and it still the same number every year! LOL), 

"I asked my friends not to put more than 24 candles on my birthday cake, each year!"

.....and some other statements that were trying to declare that they were not that old! hehe.. They are all still in denial I guess. teeheee.. And that made me think, hmm....is being older really that sucks, that you had to lie your age every time? =/

Oh well.. I guess it is! Hair falls. Grey hairs. Baldness. Sagging skin. Pigmentations. Facial lines. Wrinkles on your neck. Wrinkles on your hands. Wrinkles on your face. Crows feet at the eye area.  Dark circles. Eye bags. Feeling lethargy all the time. And all the ugly things! Eeeekk.

Oh no.. All those sound so scary! No wonder being old sucks! =(

But we all know that getting older and aging skin is inevitable. Because no matter how well you've taken care of yourself, wrinkles will eventually make their way onto your pretty face! And it's just a matter of time, whether the signs of aging appear early on the skin, or slower..

So that's why my mom always remind me to start early in my "anti-aging" programme, as she said, being old/older is a definite thing in life, but we could make the aging process slower, at least! And I guess it's true! She's been practising that mantra until now! She started taking care of her skin/body ever since she was 24! Pills, potions, lotions, creams, drinks, supplements, powder thingy..and so on! And that's why, she's still look like she's in her 30s (some even say 20s! - according to what she wears) even though she's almost 55 now! Woww...you rock, mama! hehe O_o
I am sooo going to follow my mom's footsteps and age gracefully like her! ^__^


So let's start by taking supplements like these!

Mom bought for me all the vitamins I need

...and these beauty supplements and drinks too!

I hope I would still look young even when I'm already 50! Wrinkles, please go away! hehee ;p




XOXO,
S.